?? TURNED ON: the importance of physical attraction (Christian relationships)
Is it too much to ask to be both physically and mentally attracted to someone? I am in the exact same boat.
I've been with my partner for 5 years. From the beginning, I never felt sexual attraction for them. After doing some internal work, I now realize that this can never change and I don't want to hold my partner back from having the intimacy they desire. We are a great fit otherwise, but if the foundation is cracked, it's impossible to build a stable relationship. I have not yet put anything into action, but I know how I feel and I know that I should trust my gut.
It's not too much to ask to have both physical and mental attraction. It's all about finding balance, and what works for you. Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts. They are usually always right. Have courage and do what is best for yourself.
Don't feel guilty - it's not selfish. I wish you well in your endeavors. Add my marriage to the examples in this article. I am so happy you wrote this because I have second guessed myself for decades. I was married 23 years and always felt like I was living a lie. I wanted so much to love my husband. I often thought my life would be so wonderful if I loved my husband the way he loved me. He is a good man and he adored me for years. I would sometimes lie awake wishing, trying, praying that I would love him like I knew I was capable of loving a man, but I just didn't.
I think he came to realize I was phoning it in and he wanted to be loved. So, he left, and now he is the loved, his wife the lover. I think he underestimated how painful it is to not have attraction for the person you are married to and share your bed with every night. I think he thought it would be better to be loved. And he deserved it, for sure. But it isn't better. It's being dead inside. If attraction is missing, it is selling your soul for security.
I am so happy to read this article. It was hard not to hope it would magically change despite how I felt. I think all the theories mentioned are in part true.
Maybe attachment theory, too. Maybe just trying to find a partner where the gap between lover and loved isn't such a huge gap. This doesn't have a happy ending, yet. I have been single for over ten years. I am 64, my choices are fewer now. But, I want to wake up with a man I love and respect for just being himself that feels the same about me.
Thank you for writing that. A situation and feelings described so perfectly. When you said, " It's being dead inside. If attraction is missing, it is selling your soul for security," I was no longer alone. I have just found this article now and totally understand your comments. I am exactly in the same situation but remain married and do not know if I have the courage to leave as divorce can be messy.
Sad but true. I hope that you have found happiness and your situation improved. So very, very much of talk therapy, and all the "theory" that spurs it and feeds on it, is just creative, mostly whimsical thinking. It's a way to pretend there's something to be said or done about life, when only actions count.
And virtually all the creative offshoots of psychotherapy that go in and out of style over the years are just silly hokum. Most people who look at someone and are deeply drawn to them, are acting on biological imperatives; their DNA, their genes, senses something worthwhile in that person, as a mate, to reproduce.
The urge is deep and strong, and it doesn't even matter if one or both are beyond child-bearing years. This at least has a basis in reality. It's not cleverly fabricated stale ideas, rehashed into today's analysis, or given some creative name.
That's all the stuff that sells books, keeps psychotherapists in business, and keeps clients on the hook looking for explanations that just don't exist, while time works out their problems for them, one way or another. That's not cynicism. It's realistic.
Our attractions are quite valid. Even if they aren't a key to real happiness for us so often they truly are not Imagine forming a deep love with a borderline: It's a guaranteed trip to hell and hopefully back, the longer, the deeper, the more scarring, the more jading. Yet, the attraction is NOT to the drama. It's NOT to the passion.
Can attraction grow with time?
It's NOT to the crazy-making. It's NOT to be a "Knight in shining armor. DBT is just an idea with mixed, dubious results. The reason for the deception on part of the psychotherapy community is, if we can somehow pretend or shoot in the dark and hit a target by accident, maybe we can have something to talk about, and maybe by accident or the real healer, the passage of time"fix" things. All the while, the "non" assuming they are a relatively stable, grounded person with normal cognition and reasonably rational thought and healthily flexible emotionactually loved the borderline for the GOOD traits the BPD had.
Not for the mayhem, not for the rollercoaster ride, not for the makeup sex, not for fantasies, not because of their relationship with their parents or any other potty training nonsense.
The latest studies on "attraction" conducted by jcrockits.com and other researchers around the world. Learn the science behind attracting the opposite sex. Our experts have reviewed the top online dating sites for seniors. New research shows what you find most attractive in a ALL STUDIES Attraction. These are plausible theories that have been supported by research and clinical experience-and all are deterministic. Many people live together without physical attraction or little to no. A meta-analytic review of research on the physical attractiveness stereotype. Physical-attractiveness evaluations and dating preferences as a function of one's own attractiveness. The psychology of physical attraction. New York, NY: Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group. Tiedens, L. Z., & Jimenez, M. C. Assimilation for affiliation.
It's far more simple, and the answer offers no solace, or any other "out," no manufactured "other" reason or explanation. People can be attracted to someone who will end up creating a flaming trainwreck of their life, but that hardly means the attraction was to dysfunction.
No indeed, it was to specific traits, physical, cognitive, emotional, behavioral that lit up the lover's desire Whether they knew it or not, that's it.
And it makes sense, for this, and every species. There was some trait or traits that was sensed, some quality which our genes, our push to sustain the species, felt was a goodnecessary pairing.
It's not romantic, looked at that way, but it's true. It can be dressed up as terribly romantic, or dramatic, and it can be capitalized by the psychology and self-help industries, but it's not to be understood through talk, not even if it goes on your whole life. It probably can't. Because they just don't turn the key in your DNA. You might have a great life partner there, but the true desire to meld with them can't be manufactured, no matter how you try.
Great comment, you have touched the truth, yet it isn't an answer that really isn't mentioned much at all. By looking at the various sources of info on this, I can see the limitations in how it's explained.
People often confuse the biological with what's conidered to be something more deep and meaningful, yet, that's the point, that's why it FEELs so meaningful. Again, you got it, much agreed. You are now a God with this answer. Completely and utterly true, the truest thing anyone will probably read, probably ever.
No I don't do drugs. And I'm not drunk either. Every single artist singing about the sense of life - deeply emotional people that feel very intense often very contradictory emotions all at once.
They all ask question of what's happiness and what's the point? They hardly ever answer it as they're too high off the ground to think quantum physics. But your comment is what made me make the hardest and the most valuable decision of my life.
I am writing it as a form of testimony to all the people out there struggling with similar issues I did. There're plenty of people like that even though most of them are found dead in a hotel room at the age of 27 with pills all over the place. I am still 25 so there's still some time to proove my decision to be right but I assure you my psychological state is far over middle ties. I've had it tough during childhood. My mother used to cheat on my father plenty of times pretending he doesn't know.
She made me yrs old kid be a fake alibi dozens of times always threatening me that I'd loose a father if I didn't do what she says. But the most terrible thing that happened to me because of her was a moment when I was 8 and she had a strong argument with father.
He left the house in order to leave us and she used the same argument as always - "Go for him if you don't want to grow up without a father. I wanted him to leave. But she told me: "If it hadn't been for you everything would be different now.
That was the worst thing that could happen to anyone in this world. Since then they hardly talk to each other, live their miserable lifes with no urge or ambition to keep on living. They are still together, as they are poorly educated and their job prospects are as miserable as them. They wouldn't stand a chance of surviving after splitting the estate. Furthermore both are long-time heavy smokers with no chance of being healthy again. I grew up in an extremely cold environment where I couldn't observe a single moment of real emotions.
After turning 10, my mother fall apart. The conscience which is DNA related too made its' turn on her and she started to evince a psychological trauma which was later diagnosed as schizophrenia. She started to be extremely religious and forced me to do things that were against my nature. Never let me out of the house I had to run away which was always punished - there were times when she didn't want to let me in for the night and I didn't have any family relatives nearby.
My father definitely felt resent to me as he didn't give a shit about it. He just ignored everything and didn't stand up for me even once. The only people I talked to were my schoolmates. And I didn't like it at all. All the spoiled and happy-face morons that knew nothing of life. Friends with alcoholic or aggresive parents?
I envied them. They were bragging about some real emotions happening in their lifes. Pathological, but those were emotions. What I had and still have is emptiness. I don't crave for love. I don't crave for happiness. I don't see a point in suicide and I have no interest in living as well. After few years, my schizophrenic mother being dumb forgave herself all she'd done. It sounds silly but she doesn't seem to remember all those events I described above.
She feels a little better now and tries to stay in touch with me, even though I have no interest of seeing her. Not because I hate her. I just don't give a fuck. I can understand where the affair urges came from, and I can understand where the schizophrenia came from. Her mother my grandmother had it too - it's all DNA related.
After finishing high school with highest SATA scores in the city yes, I had a fucking mere of the town congratulate me on my fucking scores and I didn't give a fuck about it as well I moved out of my hometown and went to study computer science. This is where the mother's legacy had started to make impact on my daily life. I started to date girls and not a single one could draw my attention for more than a day or two nor I could respect her.
All the people I meet are dumb. No matter what they've lived through they don't get no respect from me. I just don't care.
A study of physical appearance and level of attraction to the opposite sex Sherynn J. Perry Arizona State University Follow this and additional works at:jcrockits.com Part of thePsychology Commons This articles is brought to you for free and open access by the Journals, Magazines, and Newsletters at UTC jcrockits.com: Sherynn J. Perry. Men (both gay and straight) seem to consciously recognize the importance of physical attractiveness more than women (both straight and lesbian; see Lippa, ). However, experimental research, as. Some leading studies that have set the groundwork for dating and attraction research have presented evidence suggesting that it is physical attraction alone that is the single largest determinant.
And then at my university classes I've met a slender girl with the worst acne I've ever seen on her face. I think everybody that's been ever interested in her there were few of them were interested because of a daddy's complex - they felt genetical urge to take care of a poor girl that didn't deserve what she'd get. We became friends cause I found her fascinating enough to keep my attention for a little longer.
I found out that she had an alcoholic dad that died of a heart attack when she was around 8 yrs old. Her mother became obsessively overprotective thus her childhood was kind of similar to mine age - she couldn't get out nor make too many friends as she was consistently punished or forced to feel guilty about mummy's delusional fears.
Even though she stays in relatively stable relation with her mother and she doesn't resent her as much as I do mine. The girl's acne's gone leaving bad scars on her face. She's still struggling with them, trying to patch up what she can.
Because of that I am not attracted in her physically. But I didn't get bored of her company. We've graduated, travelled around the world, had decent sex adventures, shared the bills for spectacular things and even shared a flat for a year.
After 5 years of being "together" from which last year was a flat-share period we've moved out for financial reasons. We're both successful at our carrears earning decent money and having awesome job prospects. It's just I am not attracted in her physically - there's no passion in sex as the baloney people would say. I am attracted to other women but never ever in my life met a one that could drag my interest for more than few days.
Even the most intelligent and beautiful girls are not giving me that. Maybe because I don't relate to them at all - let's be fair - there's not a big chance plenty of fish in the sea had gone through what I've gone and became successful and beautiful entities.
Physical attraction and dating research
To be honest all of the girls I've met that had a history resembling mine were either drug addicts or commited a suicide. And even if I've met a freak - like me to the Heath's lovers - yes he commited a suicide because of the same reasons I'd normally do ;] would I be able to give up the pedestal of the poorest boy on the planet?
I thought of it quite a lot and the answer is I'd hate her for being me. The acne girl is what gives me the most peaceful times of my life.
Jun 27, Physical attractiveness is not fixed; it's malleable." In addition to being based solely on physical attraction, dating sites and applications can often fail because they may overwhelm users with the sheer volume of possible dates. Aug 30, Feingold and dating ads. Other researchers such as Feingold decided to study the role of physical attraction when it came to starting a jcrockits.com had five methodological tools for his research. Scaled questionnaires. We all know physical attraction is important in dating, but is it everything? Berman points to a concept created by Dr. John Money, a psychologist who specialized in research into sexual Author: Beliefnet.
She's different but similar. She doesn't think she's the poorest thing in the world and I do.THE SECRET OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION (Documentary)
She knows about my history and she understands it. She doesn't always feel pity for me but forces me to pull myself together and stop moaning about my fate. I had a big problem of dedicating to her because of the physical attractness but your post made me believe in something I do believe anyway.
Just didn't have enough strength to make one final choice. I am mathematician and pragmatist. Quantum physics is what gets to me the best. The DNA theory is so fucking true that it's worthless to waste time on trying to look for entangled atoms in the universe - the ones that were made for each other. There're people who will have it all, but there're people who won't. I am one of those who won't have the "passion" in the relationship. And you know what?
I don't fucking care. I've proposed to the acne girl and I am fucking happy for the first time of my fucking life! I agree with a lot of this, and would actually prefer for this to be totally true and the complete answer. But if it was, how could two people in a couple disagree about their level of attraction towards each other?
I've been married for 17 years and feel completely and totally unattracted to my husband.
I believe this biological. I even have problems with his scent and he doesn't smell bad - I know this objectively. Yet he is very attracted to me. If the above is true, how can this be?
I would think that this genetic code, how our biology drives us to a mate, would work both ways. I don't know. Also never felt attraction to my boyfriend and although I love him, it is something that I miss. But we get along, and have had a long nice relationship, we are "best friends with benefits". Sex is great too and there is a great deal of desire for sex, not for him but it still fuels up our relationship and make us feel close probably because we know each other, feel "safe" etc, but, no matter how many orgasms or damped the sheets are Danita: How long have you been together?
Do you see it working over a long period of time? Is marriage and starting a family part of the equation? I'm in a similar relationship. My girlfriend and I have been together for a few years, she is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I certainly love her, but the physical attraction isn't there.
This is the first time in my life that I've been in a relationship that functions on an emotional level. I'm in my late 20's and I want this to work, but I'm wary of making a long term commitment only to have it blow up in our faces in thirty years.
Harold, if you think marriage is an institution which socially preserves society and you wish to be part of that and does your partner then go on ahead. Your commitment to society will give you some happiness to the degree which society pays you back. However if you get no payback from this and there is not attraction life together will have little sparkle and you will face much lonliness for a very long time.
Harold - hopefully this comment is not too late. I felt the same way, but went ahead thinking I could look beyond any 'perfect imperfections' only to have it blow up in 20 years.
Set her free while you can. I have been with my Wife nearly 9 years and married for 6 and the attraction was not there from the beginning but I too thought I could look past it, after all looks aren't important are they? We have now separated for 2nd time in two years and trust me when I say this. You can only run for so long before you must face the truth.
It's not fair to someone else to be with them when it's not really there for you and you deserve to have that too, someone you fancy and who wants you. She deserves to have someone lust after her. If it's not there then just accept that and face the truth. It's out of your hands, attraction isn't a choice so just be honest. Be happy now in this moment as there is nothing else. And that doesn't include having a girlfriend or wife you need to try to be okay with.
Within moments of meeting someone, we make all sorts of assessments about them, including their physical attractiveness.
When it comes to evaluating a potential relationship match, many people will use this quality to evaluate and determine whether they should pursue someone. We all know physical attraction is important in dating, but is it everything? Physical attraction is important in any relationship. Many people feel like physical attraction is directly correlated with sexual attraction, and there is some truth to this.
Though subtle, these factors can play a powerful role in our assessment of attraction. Relationship therapist, Dr. Laura Berman says attraction results from the unique information gathered by all of our senses. Berman points to a concept created by Dr. These love maps are a result of early childhood experiences delivered to us via the five senses. According to Dr.
Evidence from a speed-dating study.
Montoya, R. Perilloux, C. Meet the parents: Parent-offspring convergence and divergence in mate preferences. Shaffer, D. Physical attractiveness stereotyping in cross-cultural perspective: Similarities and differences between Americans and Taiwanese. Sprecher, S. The importance to males and females of physical attractiveness, earning potential, and expressiveness in initial attraction. Thao, H. Effects of attractiveness and social status on dating desire in heterosexual adolescents: An experimental study.
Weeden, J. Physical attractiveness and health in Western societies: A review. Zebrowitz, L.
First impressions from faces among U. Madeleine A. Back - jcrockits.com. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. The Power of Boundaries Sharing personal information brings people closer together.
Subscribe Issue Archive. Back Today. How Open Conflict Benefits Relationships.
Let There Be Light. References Apostolou, M.